Who is Responsible for the Dowry?
Aunt Sabahat has been very troubled these days; her daughter Ruhi’s wedding is imminent, yet due to her adherence to a modest lifestyle, she is unable to provide her daughter with the desired dowry. Ruhi does not work at all, and with her father’s meager salary, purchasing an automatic washing machine, heavy furniture, and the finest wedding lehenga is simply out of reach.
Influenced by the glamour of social media, many girls make life extremely difficult for their parents by demanding the dowry they fancy—demands that parents often find impossible to meet.
In our society, many people say that dowry is a curse and should not be accepted. It is always claimed that the groom’s side presents an extensive list for dowry—demanding a motorcycle, a car, an air conditioner, electronic appliances, and more. Yet, no one seems to notice that when a girl’s wedding is taking place, she herself insists on receiving everything from her family—a costly lehenga, a sewing machine, a juicer, a blender, a chopper, an automatic washing machine, all manner of household items, heavy furniture, and the best garments.
But the situation does not end there. When a woman becomes a mother-in-law, she too demands dowry—a complete list is drawn up. It is often said, “When we got married, we too brought a truckload of dowry,” implying that because one’s parents fulfilled all their wishes back then, it is now the duty of the girl’s family to provide every single useful item—after all, it is the girl who is expected to use them. In effect, history is repeated. They hardly realize the difficulties the girl’s family endures in fulfilling their obligations and marrying off their precious daughter in this era of soaring prices. As soon as they decide on a truckload of dowry, they stick to it without compromise.
I am not suggesting that the groom’s side does not demand dowry—they certainly do, and they assert their rights quite forcefully. However, to claim that only men demand dowry is a misconception. When a man marries, the idea of dowry is planted in his mind by a woman—his own mother—and then that idea takes root. Men tend to forget that just because a father is entrusting his entire world—his daughter—to someone, it does not mean he is obliged to furnish the new home completely. Ideally, the groom should tell his mother that everything is already available in the house: the bed, chairs, furniture, curtains—so why burden the girl’s family with additional demands? Yet, when it comes to dowry, the girl often echoes her mother’s wishes, which is indeed deplorable.
A man might also argue that he can personally bring in some necessary items; there is no need to buy new furniture or modern electronic gadgets. A simple life can easily be managed with just the basics. He might further think that the money wasted on such items could be saved for a more significant future investment—like buying his own house. Instead of spending on trivial things, saving for a larger purpose makes far more sense.
There is also a double standard in our society. A boy who accepts dowry for his own marriage suddenly becomes very choosy when his sister’s wedding arrangements are discussed. When dowry is to be taken from the girl’s side, various justifications and even Islamic arguments are concocted; yet when it comes to one’s own sister or daughter, the slogan “dowry is a curse” is often repeated.
We have come to accept that dowry is a curse, a social cancer—but we all share the responsibility for its persistence. Whether it is the girls eagerly awaiting marriage, the mothers determined to fill their homes in the hope of a son’s wedding, or the boys, influenced by their mothers, who insist on dowry—the change must come from all of us. Remember, a hand cannot clap alone; we cannot absolve ourselves of blame by pointing fingers at only one side.
It is essential to transform collective attitudes, and to do so, taking individual steps—and encouraging those steps—is of utmost importance.